Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Down with the King!

Everyone else in the blogosphere has taken to the "mock some moron's column" column, so here is another attempt at that on my part. Every week I inexplicably read the drivel that allows Peter King to pollute the internet with, and everyweek I giggle to myself and mock his lack of knowledge, his inability to write interesting pieces, and his general incompetence. So I might as well bring this mocking straight to the blogoshepere.

Here is my analysis of King's latest masterpiece

For those of you that are new to King's brilliance, I will point out the things that appear ever yweek that make this gasbag so damned annoying.

Lets start with the section called "10 things I think I think." Actually, lets just start right there with the title. "10 things I think I think?" You don't know if you think them? I'm confused. Anyway, here goes:

1. I think these are my quick-hit thoughts of Week 15:

a. How much of a nut would you have thought I was if I'd told you in September that the biggest TV story down the stretch in the New York metropolitan area would be whether the cable giants in the area would carry the Rutgers bowl game? Weird, very weird, but true, with 70 percent of New Jersey not having the NFL Network on their home cable systems, and the new network telecasting the Rutgers-Kansas State Texas Bowl from Houston on Dec. 28.

The first thing you notice when you read Peter, is that he assumes that everything that happens and involves either New York, Boston, or Washington, DC is just that much more noteworthy than everything that happens everywhere else. If you live in, say Duluth, and you happen to have the misfortune of stumbling upon this column, what do you care that Rutgers fans won't be able to watch a meaningless bowl game?

b. If you somehow get a chance, read a transcript of Carl Banks' searing Q&A on Sirius NFL Radio with Mora about his death-wish comments regarding the University of Washington job. Ted Koppel might have done better, but I'm not sure.

c. Just wondering: Is John Abraham made of paper mache?

d. You need to read South Florida Sun-Sentinel columnist Dave Hyde's superb piece, a couple of weeks old now, on the seriously reclusive former Super Bowl MVP, Dolphin safety Jake Scott, now living in Hawaii. One of the best newspaper stories I've read in a long time.

Okay, so here is another thing that annoys me. Its "10" things, but each "thing" consists of like 15 sub-headings (sub-things?) and most of them are just random thoughts and non-sequitors, like:

e. The more I see of Maurice Jones-Drew, the more I think he's one of the best 10 backs in football.

f. The more I see of Cedric Houston, the more I think he's one of the top 30 backs in football. He's the best back the Jets employ.

First of all, most average fans new Mo-Jo Drew was a top tier back a month ago, so once again Petey isn't breaking any new ground there. And as for Houston, he is their featured back, so pointing out that he is the best back on the team isn't saying much at all. Furthermore, there are 32 teams in the league, so if you are a starting back on one of those teams, are you really in select company if you are one of the 30 best backs in the league??

g. Congratulations, Chad Pennington: 29 of 39 for 339 yards against the Vikes. That was one heck of a job against a good front seven in the Metrodome.

This is something he loves to do. For some reason, Peter is under the misconception that NFL players play their games on Sunday, and rush home to read his column. So he writes crap like this addressed directly to them.

i. The Bears have horseshoes in their shoes.

What does that even mean? Is it a good thing? Is it a bad thing? Help me out with this one.

Lets skip ahead.

4. I think this is what I liked about Week 15:

a. Rod Coleman is a really good football player. I'm not sure I'd take any three-down defensive tackle in football over him.

Its random proclamations like this that make him sound more like Larry King.

d. Trent Cole is going to be a good player for the Eagles for a long time. He's feisty, a little cheap-shotty, and the kind of guy every defensive coordinator would love to have.

What defensive coordinator wouldn't want a guy who is "a little cheap-shotty?" I never knew this was a good thing!

f. You know what I liked about the Redskins in the win at New Orleans? Everything.

You can't pay for in-depth analysis like that.

h. Ladell Betts, we have to give you the MVRP (Most Valuable Relief Pitcher).

Peter, you've lost me again. And there he goes again addressing players directly. Ladell Betts doesn't read your crap!

6. I think Terrell Owens deserves to be fined $25,000 and shunned, but not suspended, for spitting on DeAngelo Hall.

Shunned? Whoa! Slow down Peter! Are you sure you aren't being too hard on him?

Most overrated coverman in the NFL: DeAngelo Hall

If only D-Hall were more "cheap-shotty."

What a putrid Lion-Packer game. Both teams look years away.

Ok, I'm writing this down, you say that the Lions (2-12) and Packers (6-8) are years away? Ok, Ok I'm learning. What about this Raiders team? How close are they?

Gotta play better than that, Matt Leinart.

Ok, again, Matt Leinart is not reading this. And when you write directly to him it really annoys me. (see the irony there? I'm writing directly to Peter! nevermind, lets move on)

10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week

This is easily the most entertaining portion of the column, where Peter graces our computer screens with his thoughts on the Red Sox, coffee, his daughter's field hockey career, and anything else that you and I could not give a good goddam about.

I see Prince is set to sing at halftime of the Super Bowl. What, Bobby Vinton wasn't available?

Again, I have no idea what this means. Who the hell is Bobby Vinton? Is this reference lost on anyone else?

I've got to tell you, Joe Torre and Phil Simms selling the green tea makes it really easy for me to have a big mug of it every afternoon. Smart ad strategy, Bigelow.

What does this even mean? You drink green tea simply because Joe Torre and Phil Simms are paid to go on TV and endorse it? Are you really that gullable?

Steve Nash. Drew Brees

Peter King. Moron

g. The Daisuke Matsuzaka deal seems fair for both sides. The Red Sox pay $16.7 million a year for the best pitcher in free-agency (combining the fee to the Japanese team with the pitcher's salary). Good for them, in this crazy baseball economy. And Matsuzaka gets $8.5 million a year, knowing he's going to make millions more in endorsements (in two countries) if he's as good as he thinks he is. Re the $16.7 million a year ... Gil Meche got $11 mill. Barry Zito's going to get $16. Don't the scouts all think Matsuzaka's a can't-miss guy? Maybe not can't-miss ace, but at least can't-miss 15-game winner.

h. Bill Parcells to me after the Cowboys-Falcons game: "You must be pretty happy. You signed the Japanese pitcher.'' Well, uh, shucks, I don't deserve all the credit for the signing.

i. Sox rotation April 2-4-5 in Kansas City to open the season: Schilling, Beckett, Matsuzaka.

And there's money shot! Three, count 'em, THREE consecutive bullets about the goddam Red Sox. Those of you who may be fans of the other 29 major leage baseball teams, go screw yourselves!

First of all, you call Matsuzaka a "can't miss 15 win guy." Ok, lets look at the top 4 win totals from last years Sox rotation: 16, 15, 7, and 7. Now lets look at the top win totals from the American League last year shall we? 19, 19, 18, and 17. So if Matsuzaka is as you call him a "can't miss 15 win guy" in his first year in the majors, then not only would he be an ace, not only would he be the rookie of the year, but he would be a candidate for the Cy Young Award.

Second of all, the rotation against the Royals could be Larry, Curly, Moe, and they would do no worse than win 2 out of 3, so that last comments just worthless.

There you have it folks. The King at his finest. All you have ever wanted to know about green tea, the Red Sox, and random football opinions based on anything other than actual fact. And pays him for this.

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