Its all I can Stands and I Can't Stands No More!

Mike Lupica is getting off scot free.

For those of you who do not live in New York or are not familliar with his brand of "journalism," let us fill you in. He is just as self-absorbed, cynical, and douchebag-ish as Jay Mariotti, but he only appears on the WWL once a week to Mariotti's five, so most people haven't caught on yet. Therefore he continues to be allowed to publish his weekly Sunday column in the New York Daily News and make outrageously off-base and meaningless statements. This has been going on for far too long and we can't take it anymore. His ramblings from this morning's column put us over the edge.

Exhibit A - Moronic arguments and baseless statements
"Michael Jordan, at the end, got paid as much by the Bulls for the past as he did for the present. And so should Mo Rivera, an even greater money performer than even Jordan ever was."

First off, the last time Jordan took a paycheck from the Bulls, it was the 1998 season and he was leading them to thier sixth NBA championship in eight years. So they weren't paying him for the past, they were in the midst of a championship run, and were paying him for the present. The Yankees on the other hand, haven't won a championship in six full years.

Second, between 1991 and 1998, the only years the Bulls didn't win the championship were the two years that Jordan didn't play the full season. Rivera however, while an all-time great performer in the postseason for the Yankees, has been at the center of two spectacular collapses in crunch time. The ninth inning of game seven of the 2001 World Series, and the ninth inning of game four of the 2004 ALCS. So to call Rivera a better money performer than Jordan is ridiculous.

And third, how can the closer, who pitches 2 innings max at the end of games after the rest of the team has already garnered a lead, be more important to his team than Jordan, who was one of five players on the court for his team, and played almost every minute and took every big shot?

Exhibit B - Meaningless statements

"The Knicks had four days off before they played the first game of their West Coast trip, against the Jazz. Then they didn't play the Lakers until the following Tuesday night.But when they got blown out the next night by Golden State - playing without either Baron Davis or Jason Richardson - we heard how tired the Knicks were."

We have no idea what he is even talking about here.

Exhibit C - Axes to grind

"The Knicks are covered as if the No. 23 - last year's win total, now matched - is more magical now than when Jordan wore it."

Again, for those of you who don't live here, Lupica hates Isaiah Thomas, and the fact that the Knicks are significantly better this year under Thomas than they were last year under Larry Brown really pisses him off. As a result, he makes bizarre comments like the above in the hopes that he can convince himself that there has been no improvement.

We really have no idea why we continue to read the garbage that he writes, its really not good for our blood pressure. But we also get genuine entertainment from his ignorance and the fact that a major newspaper in the largest market in this country is paying him for this.

Down with the King!

Everyone else in the blogosphere has taken to the "mock some moron's column" column, so here is another attempt at that on my part. Every week I inexplicably read the drivel that SI.com allows Peter King to pollute the internet with, and everyweek I giggle to myself and mock his lack of knowledge, his inability to write interesting pieces, and his general incompetence. So I might as well bring this mocking straight to the blogoshepere.

Here is my analysis of King's latest masterpiece

For those of you that are new to King's brilliance, I will point out the things that appear ever yweek that make this gasbag so damned annoying.

Lets start with the section called "10 things I think I think." Actually, lets just start right there with the title. "10 things I think I think?" You don't know if you think them? I'm confused. Anyway, here goes:

1. I think these are my quick-hit thoughts of Week 15:

a. How much of a nut would you have thought I was if I'd told you in September that the biggest TV story down the stretch in the New York metropolitan area would be whether the cable giants in the area would carry the Rutgers bowl game? Weird, very weird, but true, with 70 percent of New Jersey not having the NFL Network on their home cable systems, and the new network telecasting the Rutgers-Kansas State Texas Bowl from Houston on Dec. 28.

The first thing you notice when you read Peter, is that he assumes that everything that happens and involves either New York, Boston, or Washington, DC is just that much more noteworthy than everything that happens everywhere else. If you live in, say Duluth, and you happen to have the misfortune of stumbling upon this column, what do you care that Rutgers fans won't be able to watch a meaningless bowl game?

b. If you somehow get a chance, read a transcript of Carl Banks' searing Q&A on Sirius NFL Radio with Mora about his death-wish comments regarding the University of Washington job. Ted Koppel might have done better, but I'm not sure.

c. Just wondering: Is John Abraham made of paper mache?

d. You need to read South Florida Sun-Sentinel columnist Dave Hyde's superb piece, a couple of weeks old now, on the seriously reclusive former Super Bowl MVP, Dolphin safety Jake Scott, now living in Hawaii. One of the best newspaper stories I've read in a long time.

Okay, so here is another thing that annoys me. Its "10" things, but each "thing" consists of like 15 sub-headings (sub-things?) and most of them are just random thoughts and non-sequitors, like:

e. The more I see of Maurice Jones-Drew, the more I think he's one of the best 10 backs in football.

f. The more I see of Cedric Houston, the more I think he's one of the top 30 backs in football. He's the best back the Jets employ.

First of all, most average fans new Mo-Jo Drew was a top tier back a month ago, so once again Petey isn't breaking any new ground there. And as for Houston, he is their featured back, so pointing out that he is the best back on the team isn't saying much at all. Furthermore, there are 32 teams in the league, so if you are a starting back on one of those teams, are you really in select company if you are one of the 30 best backs in the league??

g. Congratulations, Chad Pennington: 29 of 39 for 339 yards against the Vikes. That was one heck of a job against a good front seven in the Metrodome.

This is something he loves to do. For some reason, Peter is under the misconception that NFL players play their games on Sunday, and rush home to read his column. So he writes crap like this addressed directly to them.

i. The Bears have horseshoes in their shoes.

What does that even mean? Is it a good thing? Is it a bad thing? Help me out with this one.

Lets skip ahead.

4. I think this is what I liked about Week 15:

a. Rod Coleman is a really good football player. I'm not sure I'd take any three-down defensive tackle in football over him.

Its random proclamations like this that make him sound more like Larry King.

d. Trent Cole is going to be a good player for the Eagles for a long time. He's feisty, a little cheap-shotty, and the kind of guy every defensive coordinator would love to have.

What defensive coordinator wouldn't want a guy who is "a little cheap-shotty?" I never knew this was a good thing!

f. You know what I liked about the Redskins in the win at New Orleans? Everything.

You can't pay for in-depth analysis like that.

h. Ladell Betts, we have to give you the MVRP (Most Valuable Relief Pitcher).

Peter, you've lost me again. And there he goes again addressing players directly. Ladell Betts doesn't read your crap!

6. I think Terrell Owens deserves to be fined $25,000 and shunned, but not suspended, for spitting on DeAngelo Hall.

Shunned? Whoa! Slow down Peter! Are you sure you aren't being too hard on him?

Most overrated coverman in the NFL: DeAngelo Hall

If only D-Hall were more "cheap-shotty."

What a putrid Lion-Packer game. Both teams look years away.

Ok, I'm writing this down, you say that the Lions (2-12) and Packers (6-8) are years away? Ok, Ok I'm learning. What about this Raiders team? How close are they?

Gotta play better than that, Matt Leinart.

Ok, again, Matt Leinart is not reading this. And when you write directly to him it really annoys me. (see the irony there? I'm writing directly to Peter! nevermind, lets move on)

10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week

This is easily the most entertaining portion of the column, where Peter graces our computer screens with his thoughts on the Red Sox, coffee, his daughter's field hockey career, and anything else that you and I could not give a good goddam about.

I see Prince is set to sing at halftime of the Super Bowl. What, Bobby Vinton wasn't available?

Again, I have no idea what this means. Who the hell is Bobby Vinton? Is this reference lost on anyone else?

I've got to tell you, Joe Torre and Phil Simms selling the green tea makes it really easy for me to have a big mug of it every afternoon. Smart ad strategy, Bigelow.

What does this even mean? You drink green tea simply because Joe Torre and Phil Simms are paid to go on TV and endorse it? Are you really that gullable?

Steve Nash. Drew Brees

Peter King. Moron

g. The Daisuke Matsuzaka deal seems fair for both sides. The Red Sox pay $16.7 million a year for the best pitcher in free-agency (combining the fee to the Japanese team with the pitcher's salary). Good for them, in this crazy baseball economy. And Matsuzaka gets $8.5 million a year, knowing he's going to make millions more in endorsements (in two countries) if he's as good as he thinks he is. Re the $16.7 million a year ... Gil Meche got $11 mill. Barry Zito's going to get $16. Don't the scouts all think Matsuzaka's a can't-miss guy? Maybe not can't-miss ace, but at least can't-miss 15-game winner.

h. Bill Parcells to me after the Cowboys-Falcons game: "You must be pretty happy. You signed the Japanese pitcher.'' Well, uh, shucks, I don't deserve all the credit for the signing.

i. Sox rotation April 2-4-5 in Kansas City to open the season: Schilling, Beckett, Matsuzaka.

And there's money shot! Three, count 'em, THREE consecutive bullets about the goddam Red Sox. Those of you who may be fans of the other 29 major leage baseball teams, go screw yourselves!

First of all, you call Matsuzaka a "can't miss 15 win guy." Ok, lets look at the top 4 win totals from last years Sox rotation: 16, 15, 7, and 7. Now lets look at the top win totals from the American League last year shall we? 19, 19, 18, and 17. So if Matsuzaka is as you call him a "can't miss 15 win guy" in his first year in the majors, then not only would he be an ace, not only would he be the rookie of the year, but he would be a candidate for the Cy Young Award.

Second of all, the rotation against the Royals could be Larry, Curly, Moe, and they would do no worse than win 2 out of 3, so that last comments just worthless.

There you have it folks. The King at his finest. All you have ever wanted to know about green tea, the Red Sox, and random football opinions based on anything other than actual fact. And SI.com pays him for this.